One of the most difficult things I've found, growing up, is struggling for a measure of acceptance. While my father didn't go into the ministry until I was 12, church life was essentially all I knew for the beginning of my life, and in my still short frame of existence, it still has made such an impact on me that a majority of my decisions are made -- and even the emotions I feel -- are derived from the upbringing I had.

So, even the slightest turn away from what I was supposedly being instilled with has always caused insane, bitter shame... Something that over the years has been the main source for my depression -- a need to please, to do right by people (especially my family): but, putting myself through impossible standards, am never able to achieve. Thus, it leads to lying, to hiding, to covering up who I truly am in the face of the people I care about because if they knew the truth... I don't even want to imagine what would happen. It always lead me to wonder -- if they would turn away from me knowing what I refuse to tell them, do they even really love "me"?

I consider this tonight because of a remarkable change I've noticed in myself since I began my relationship with my very-soon husband-to-be. I think it'd be an understatement to say I feel as if I've been experiencing cold feet lately, since I feel as if a sudden rush of realization hit me and every possible reason I could ever conceive to NOT make a big, forward step in my life suddenly decided to pop into my head. Most... no... all... are completely ridiculous, so getting into them would be silly. But to combat my delusions, I find myself focusing on the positive things about my relationship with Shawn and the reasons we've decided to get married.... Especially how much I've grown as a person from the day I met him.

The most remarkable change, then, is something I noticed when I was traveling with my mother to Denver not too long ago. Realizing she'd forgot a book on a relatively lengthy flight, I offered her one I had in my bag. It probably wasn't the smartest idea, but I wasn't thinking much of it at the time. The book is essentially a meditative study over the Tao Te Ching, written by Dr. Wayne Dyer, someone I discovered watching "Ellen", a talk show my mother thinks is absolutely vile. Go figure. Anyways, she gets a few pages into the Intro before she took a long look at me, and asked me "What did you see in this book?" I wasn't really surprised by the question, but since I couldn't think of anything non-offensive to say at the time, I sort of just babbled back some half-assed response, before I watch her slip the book back into my backpack and look away from me as if she'd just seen me toting around a book on human sacrifice and wanted to forget she'd seen it.

And then, there it was: I didn't care. Every step of my life, if my parents or siblings discovered something about myself that I wasn't sure they'd accept, I'd do everything in my power to hide it, and get embaressed when I failed. I'd torture myself in panic attacks, thinking I'd be condemned to hell because even if God forgave me, my family never would. I would spend every waking moment for weeks after being discovered for feeling immeasurable guilt... But suddenly, it's gone. Suddenly, with Shawn, I'm perfectly accepted, exactly the way I am -- sure we disagree on some things, but we accept our differences. They make us unique. We embrace each others' opinions, whether we like them or not. Now that I realize that it's possible for someone to accept me... I don't care that someone else may not. And I finally accept myself.

I'll still lie for my parents' assurances, so they don't spend every waking moment worrying I'll go to Hell, but should they discover what I try to hide, I won't fight it anymore. I don't have to cover myself up. I don't have to hide. I am a good person, in my standards -- some tough standards, too. I love deeply, I refuse to hate... Should I be at fault in any other way, then it is up to God to judge me -- should there be a God -- not the family that he was supposed to give me as a support group, an unconditional basis of love.

I'm done with conditions. With ultimatums. With threats. I am going to have a wonderful life, with a wonderful, amazing man, without trying to go out of my way to jump through hoops to safeguard the irrational securities of ignorant people, even if they are my family. I would love them no matter who they are or what they've done -- I am not perfect, thus it's not my right to put a stamp on anyone's actions. I hope someday those people learn the same.